Toxic Thoughts.........

:S

rashmiayyagari — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 08:48:31 +0000

Bangalore came, Bangalore went..all in a jiffy..it happened too soon.. I wonder at times..It seemed like a dream..a nice dream that ended too bloody soon.. Why am I always so restless? I have so much going on in my head.. Why dont i get off my butt and start working towards what I want to do? So much happening lately. Its all so disturbing. I like peace. I like an uncomplicated nice day. Is it that tough? I hate manipulation. I hate lies. I hate disappointment. I can deal with it. I have, lots of times before. But does every single day have to be a constant uphill battle? Maybe I am going overboard. Exaggeration? Maybe. I dont care. I want to have things my way..Honest! Even if they are not, atleast leave me in peace. I dont like constant sniggering, fighting, lying. Its disgusting. I want my home and my family to exist everywhere..I know i sound like a kid. so what. Im okay with it.

Insatiable

rashmiayyagari — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 14:57:21 +0000

Why am I getting so irritated? I need your time. Lots of it. Greed is getting the better part of me. I know! However, I am not being able to control it. You always seem to have a million extremely important things to finish. People to talk to..Shit! I know im behaving very immature. For all I know, you are completely justified in ur action. How do i explain to my stupid demanding self that im wrong? I gotta get a grip. I know. and i gotta do it soon. Before it eats me up and leaves me rotten.

Bangalore Bangalore :D

rashmiayyagari — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 09:02:28 +0000

I just remembered…Bangalore mania back in town! I am leaving for Bangalore next month! Gosh I love that place .Its better than heaven to me. I’d give anything to settle down in the city. It’s the only place, after Kutch, where I have felt completely at home. The climate, the pubs, the food, everything about the city is so perfect..! How I wish I could find a way to settle down in Bangalore for good! Okay..once more, let me plan what I want to do once I get there.. I am going to walk all those roads again; I am going to eat those soft Idlis again. I am going to walk down Brigade road, I am going to get sloshed at Purple Haze. I am going to smoke till I cant stand straight and then feel miserable about life. I am going to laze like there is no tomorrow. Even sitting at the door and doing nothing is the best way to while away time in a place like T C Palya. Gosh, even the corner Aunty’s shop, which sells the most pathetic tea on planet earth, seems so appealing now. I am going to go to RMZ, sit there aimlessly and watch small kids slipping and falling from those impossible sleek and smooth walls Shucks! There is so much I want to do .. I guess I am going to stop right here..go to Bangalore as soon as I can and have the time of my life!

Imperfect me or you???

rashmiayyagari — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 08:13:47 +0000

I did it again..Kept away for so long! I had almost given up on writing..Shucks..why cant I ever continue? I dont know what made me log on to my blog today.A countless series of emotions have been flying in and out of the realm of my overly active brain. I have this penchant for self destruction. I spoil everything that comes close to me. I hurt those dear to me. I am ashamed. I had never imagined I will write this. I have loved. Loved like a maniac. I still do. But, I make it a point to rot in my own misery. I don’t allow myself to feel free, happy. I don’t trust. I will never trust. You break my trust, and Im done with everything we ever stood for. Our love is tarnished. Am I driving u away? Am I too difficult to deal with? Do you deserve me? Are you actually all that u portray? Am I drastically wrong in my perception of you? How will I ever know? Is it just paranoia or am I actually right about u? I need depth. Do you have it? How will I ever know?

temperatureee + soup+ bebot

rashmiayyagari — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:20:42 +0000

I dont know why I chose the title. Just coz im not well, i ate soup and im listening to bebot. Ok. Lame. I know.

Had a miserable day today. Fever has chosen to stay back on an extended vacation. I am loving every moment of the delerium I must say. I like fever. I like the feeling it gives, the way my breath burns, my eyes fume.. gosh i want a good bout again tonight before i recover. Feeling hungry again. Had some soup but I guess its not enough. I feel like eating prawns. Aaahh the prawns in ahmedabad were delicious! Succulent and tasty. I feel like eating a cheese burger. Or a chicken sandwich. Freak I am getting crazy. Missin mani. Hes behaving strange today. Dunno why I get such stuff coming my way all the time. I guess I shouldnt be running after him or even show him what I feel for him.

I am paranoid. Most times, when i finally begin expressing my love for a person, the person flees. Is it all in my head or is that what really happens? Do I smother people with my affection? Should i become cold again? and not let myself go? why am i always so full of self doubt? I really need to get a grip of myself. This is so not happening. I would like to be more sorted out in my head. I would like to analyze. Or is that detrimental to my already messed up brain? I have no clue. I dont know what to think or do anymore.

To you..

rashmiayyagari — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:20:36 +0000

I cant believe this happened! You are such a surprise. You came into my life again one fine day and stormed it. I am outta control. I dont know what has been happening to me. I have lost all control of myself and am going with the flow. I cant even call it a flow actually, because this current is way too strong for anyone to handle. I have read about such strong emotions only in books. I have never ever in my life gone through something like this. Its so much fun. I actually feel my heart beat going slow, I can actually feel my pulse racing. Wow.. I am drowning in this strange heady feeling and loving every moment of it..!

love and such crap

rashmiayyagari — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:44:44 +0000

Freakkkkk I keep promising myself that I am gonna come back and write diligently.Why do I always end up not doing it? I found this new diary thing that I use regularly, maybe thats why I dont come here so often. I think I am fallin in love again :P Nah not again as such.. but this time its fucking strong, different and strange. All consuming. I think about what is happening all the bloody time. Strange stuff happens at the most unexpected times! I am goin crazy! I have never really been a phone person. I cant talk all that much on the phone. I had become so fucking cold. But I talk and talk and suddenly realize its been an hour! Wow! And I dont get bored! fuck ! I need some more intellectual stimulation. I agree. but there is so much more, that I have always wanted and that is there for me to take! Be it the music, attitude, dance, love, everything is there. I dont know yet, whether I should go for it nor not. but it seems so right. Will I get someone who gives me so much space again? Do I take this chance? Will I get so much attention? Will I be pampered so much if its someone else? I dont know. Why cant it be possible to get some answers. WHo knows what’s going to happen three years from now. But, it all seems so good! Gosh I always wanted someone romantic. Alwys! And see what I get, someone so bloody good! Do I go for it??? Im confused as hell

absolute waste of time!

rashmiayyagari — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:41:49 +0000

BAM!! A loud noise outside my window. I get scared. Dont wanna get up and go look at the commotion. Its to creepy. What could it be? It was too loud to be an object dropped. It was too soft to be a person trying to commit suicide.. ( Who’ll jump from the second floor to die anyways)..! What could it be? Paranormal?? Nah! I finally muster up the courage to go look.

Gosh!! Its a cat! Freak. My neighbours have 17 cats and they keep falling out the window. Why? Why do I have such people around me???

Tintin..

rashmiayyagari — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 10:21:09 +0000

Missing someone is not a nice sentiment. Ask me. It’s not nice to miss someone with intensity that steam rolls over you, leaving you breathless with shock. I miss you. A bit too much, I must say. I want to hug you, scratch your tummy, tickle your cute paws. I want you to bark. I cant stand not seeing you, so I blank you out of my mind. I try to numb myself to you. I am way too attached to you and cant help but feel that way. 

umm..

rashmiayyagari — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 10:09:35 +0000

Why is it that some people always end up NOT getting a raw deal? Is there some kind of silent pact between them and Mr. Destiny? Is he being incessantly bribed? What is he being bribed with? 5 years of their life? 3 Kg of their morals? Hair? Blood? Chocolates?What makes them what they are?

Is it true, the belief that we rule our own destinies? Do we? What propels us to choose the paths we tread upon? Is it our own gray cells? Or some unseen force that pushes us towards those unknown directions?